| I wonder how my parents would react to the news of their new grandfish... |
[05 May 2006|12:44pm] |
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mood |
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 my arm hurts |
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music |
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the 'Sex and the City' theme |
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His name is Daedelus, and he's gold and white. he's about two and a half weeks old (..ish, thats how long we've had him) and I love him so. Mainly because he's the first goldfish that I've ever had that didn't die within hours. ...I'm a bad mommy...
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| I blame Ivan Denisovich for this one - again from earlier today |
[07 Apr 2006|10:29pm] |
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mood |
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 yeah still cold |
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music |
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the ac |
] |
In the Soviet Gulags, there was no time for anything but utility. Intellectual thought was thought wasted as it was not completely directed towards promoting survival. Art became the shine of a found hacksaw blade that gave light to future possibilities of comfort. Art was not the beautifully directed film that showed past mistakes.
American society has become a self-imposed labor camp. There is no thought but work and gain. There is no greater art than the achievement of twice the gain for half the work. This camp is as full of despair as the camps of the Great Terrorloathing for one's position abounds, but like the guards that protect the openings to the vast tundra in the Siberian labor camps, the norms and expectations hold us behind the wallsand if one ever escapes, the only option is to flounder in societal exile.
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| musings of earlier today, when I was a little sadder |
[07 Apr 2006|10:28pm] |
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mood |
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still cold |
] |
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music |
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the a |
] |
I've reached my prime already. It's come and gone, just like my opportunity to continue the life that once defined me. I might be mistaken, but I thought college was supposed to me this magical time when one can explore the world and hopefully find yourself in the process. But what happens when certain aspects of yourself don't lie within the requirements of a major or minor?
I was brought to tears last night by a television commercial. Silent tears streamed down because it just so happened to show snippets of my past: a conductor's baton, a bow on strings, a silver mouthpiece. Something similar happened this morning on the way to Harvill when a particularly haunting excerpt from a Loreena McKennitt song came on the fortuitously random iPod's shuffle. Deep varying bass notes with soaring chords above--the epitome of the utter deliciousness of the human voice in chorus.
My peak was reached sometime during my fine arts triple-threat heyday in the last years of high school, and it culminated with a whirlwind tour of Europe that I took way too much for granted.
I feel like college is stealing my creativity, its stealing my drive for intellectual inquiry, and honestly can't remember the last time I was even mildly engaged with anything I've been learning , unless it's memorizing the spellings of Russian names for my Slavic Art History test. Learning for the test doesn't count as intellectual activity. I'm put on par with those frat guys who are fulfilling a Humanities credit between parties and road trips.
I positively love the variety of subjects that I've taken this school year, but with the exception of that one last tier two arts credit, I'm finished with the exploration phase. Once I settle into a major, it seems the only option is bam bam bam job training in preparation for the career that will rule my life until death. I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE INTO THE WORKFORCE YET! And I don't define a declared major as a significant life trait. Careers don't define a life, in fact, they seem to prevent life.
I don't have significant plans to run off into the world and make my mark like my brother. Thirty countries by the time I'm thirty sounds like more restriction than experience. But I do want to play an active role beyond the scope of job-hunts and major fulfillment. I want to make a difference like all other intellectually-driven, nave college students. But why is it that societal norms want to prevent we nave students from doing just that--making a difference requires monetary support, and thus a job is required--a proliferation of the shatterproof school-to-work cycle.
Why is it that life plans don't seem to fit into the Four Year Plan nor do scholarships provide the means to truly explore academia without all extras going to further years of schooling?
I'm stagnating--my greatest fear realized. But there seems to be no viable way to two myself out of the muck.
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| I'm it. |
[07 Apr 2006|10:13pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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music |
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the ac |
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So since I've been tagged I suppose I'm obligated...too
You've been tagged....rules are, once you've been tagged you have to write 6 "weird/things/habits" about yourself. In the end you need to choose people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment on their comment box that says, "you've been tagged" and tell them to read your blog.
1. When I was little, I was terrified of tornados (...does?). Hey Elise, at least the mountains around here could have possibly, at one point been, volcanoes, yeah, they completely prevent any sort of large scary circular wind storm, except for the random dust devils that are oh so mean to my contacts...the devils.
2. The very moment I moved out of my parent's house was the moment I became a neat freak...I think its some kind of subtle attack against thier tyrranical cleaning regime.
3. I can make all sorts of shapes with my tongue...and tie cherry stems into knots with it. :)
4. October 29th is a very important day for my family. It's my parents anniversary, my birthday and my cousin Emily's (aka my soulmate's) bday as well.
5. I still believe that instrumentalists resemble their instruments (physically and in demeanor), and dog ownerd resemble their dogs. I can pick a tombonist out of a crowd, i swear it.
6. I own and have seen (several times!)every episode of Sex and the City ever created. I could watch a whole season right now and not be bored with it....I'm a loser apparently.
hehe I'm not going to subject you all in blogland to reposting this, just enjoy the fact that I'm back! :)
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| There she goes again... |
[04 Apr 2006|10:24pm] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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music |
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The Velvet Underground and Nico - Andy Warhol |
] |
Its been too long. I looked over the my lj posts from the end of the summer and was surpirsingly impressed with both the skewed beauty of the language and the skewed sluttiness of my actions (and also the amazing candor with which I spilled my guts) eep. That was a pretty meaningful summer in terms of my emotional maturation. And now I'll never be the same...hehe such a perv. I suppose I blame summer for the fact that I'm not actually freaked out by my current status - that is, the fact that I am now living with my boyfriend of 6ish months and doing amazingly well with it. I'm using my past relationships as a basis for comparison, and judging by the fact that every one of those ended within 5-6 months and because of emotional mis-connections, yeah this is a big step. Of course this may just be the "honeymoon phase" talking, who the heck knows. What's even more shocking is the fact that my parents/grandparents/family friends/regular friends/cousins/other extended family members/every other person who knows is generally supportive and perhaps even happy for us....what is that? I thought the living-together-before-marriage thing was quite the faux-pas in most circles...odd. but then again, what can they do about it? I mean there would have been truly no way to prevent it, except perhaps for the flesh-eating catholic guilt bomb that would have been implemmented to make me feel really awful about defying the wishes of my parents. but when have my parents ever been the type?? granted, the didn't let me wear dangly earrings until middle school, and that I couldnt go out on dates without the daddy-chaperone until probably sophomore year....but besides that, they're probably the coolest parents this side of the not-so-green-grass side of the fence. I heart them and I heart that they heart the boy i heart :).
The boy is home. Horray. Its really not as nice without him.
Je n'aime pas le deuxieme semestre. J'espere que les vaccances d'ete arrivent prochainement.
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[01 Oct 2005|12:33am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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the A/C |
] |
Oh man have I left a ticking time bomb in Don's inbox.
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| sounds of silence |
[28 Sep 2005|12:51am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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nada |
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and again: hummmmmmm buzzzzzzzzz creak squeak-my fucking bed wouldnt stop. and it was just me in there, being not skanky i'll add. but imagine the annoyance if i had a friend in there with me. imagine. im tired. i ramble. i typo. i fail my classes because i want a life. i fail because im lazy, and im used to the bullshit. bullshit doesnt help in college. things change. scary houses-friends of friend's-in dark alleys with unlocked car doors arent scary anymore. the smell of pot smoke on the breeze isn't a threat nor a warning. just a smell. the smell of someone who has half-inch hair and wants a jedi braid. the smell of mystery and intrigue, and the smell of never-to-be requited fascination. i love color. the ground was red, the sky was purple. the hydrogen was orange--tangerine i said to get extra points. the neon was the color of a bar. welcome. we're open, come on in to drown. the booze is fine. but i ramble. strange similarities. i love long hair tickling my nose, and the smell of his neck. i love the sounds he makes. animal. raw. sweet. gentle. dark. the light hurts. photons entering my skull, colliding with cells, stealing electrons. real imaginary pain. the ac makes noise, but i still radiate. katie mike was blown away. a bright pink aura surrounds. thought i havent thought in years. life is cyclic. will it be better every time? it has set the bar high. i have everything, i want for nothing. but time is fleeting. a heart will break. who will play the blues for the martyr? who will be the martyr? have i the strength? i long for dreams. no repercussions there. am i a skank? i need to vary my sentence structure. the hot english teacher would be appalled. he's still appalled. nothing's changed. im still the silent one, just laughing along when others laugh. i'm still the listner. my life isnt a story worth telling.
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| nowhere else to run |
[10 Sep 2005|09:47am] |
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mood |
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content |
] |
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music |
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andy, you're a star |
] |
wow. scary stuff can happen. and then the focus of your life changes from the petty and stupid to the what-can-i-do-to-survive mode. the sad thing is that i revert to a state of begging. um yeah, and then i bury my thoughts and feelings and then take part in theraputic flirting. but i like my methods. I'm doing well. and yet with all the scary stuff that happens....i still know that life is beautiful. that your brother can be brotherly when he needs to and he does a really great job. that people will hold your hand and then keep the topic of conversation to other things just so you wont have to dwell on it. I know that based on the extreme expediency of the call i got from don that i'm loved and that people are concerned about one another. i love the world....i just hate that some others don't. don't ask guys. I'm not really ready to talk yet. I love you all.
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| But then again... |
[08 Sep 2005|08:19am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Tchaikovski Violin Concerto in D Major Op. 35, II. |
] |
sometimes people can surprise you. Like by giving an apology for something two years ago (that perhaps I never really did forgive him for...i merely buried it away deep down inside in that place thats all dark and sad and vengeful.) and really meaning it. I suppose you could call the one i had with sam my first "real" relationship, in that it was the first that was emotionally charged enough to escape all the innocence of a middle school romance. and in breaking it off the way he did, and for the reasons he did (a story that i dont think i ever told to anyone fully, and i still dont think i will...), he broke me apart too. so i suppose this is why i'm now wary of the fact that it feels like he's hitting on me at every opportunity he gets. I am fully suppoertive of the idea of reuniting in friendship, but i have no intention whatsoever of opening up that can of worms again. I never could tell waht he was thinking, he was always a challenge to decipher...but i can oly guess what "come ride my mortorcycle with me" and "you can do my makeup for Rocky Horror" mean to him. and, to be completely honest...i havent been discouraging those kinds of propositions. Perhaps its a morbid fascination to see what he has become in the past two years...(because i know what he was two years ago, at least to my perception--a lecherous predator...but i do believe him when he says he feels awful for how he treated me in the end....but i hope to Allah that i'm not just being naive...)I dont know what to think about this...i suppose we'll just have to see what happens. All I know is that xmas break seems farther away then anything in the world...and i know i'm pathetic (as today marks the one WEEK anniversary of Don leaving) but i miss him so much its painful. and the fact that I'm cut off from all communication just makes he sad and incredibly frustrated. I suppose even long-distance-open relationships are hardly worth it....but the words "hopelessly devoted" keep floating around in my head and making it difficult for me to ignore them.
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| Aargh!!! |
[07 Sep 2005|06:52pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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losing lisa - ben folds five |
] |
Why are boys so very predictably unpredictable! grr...they do exactly the opposite of what you want or need. example: Don is far far away. He called the exact moment I couldn't answer. He said he hoped my phone would recognize his massachusetts number and it didn't. and now there's very few ways to contact him....and now im sure he thinks i've snubbed him....*cry* and then....oh it gets better! do you all remember sam?? well he's popping back into my life at most unfortunate times...aargh...ill say it again. boo
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| more trauma to add |
[01 Sep 2005|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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everything will be all right - the killers |
] |
does anyone else notice how college can be an opportunity to meet all sorts of new people, to be sure, but it at the same time has a really isolating effect. all those people and i don't know a one of them. and its true what james said, i don't even really go to that college, at least in the perception of my old friends who never see me. I am the invisible woman in a room full of lights.
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| cold hands, cold feet |
[01 Sep 2005|08:36pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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Jenny was a friend of mine - the killers |
] |
does that mean i don't want to get married? heh maybe not...boys are smelly, and they leave me at inopportune times.:( So if you happen to read facebook obsessively like i tend to do you may have noticed that it says (oh-so ho-ishly) I am in an open realtionship with Don from Hamphire, and it is true enough. (though you may not have been able to tell from the lj posts, cuz i seemed to be obsessed with nick hmmm. still am? perhaps just a bit...)I guess i just have bad relationship timing...because this one could've been pretty spectacular (to steal a word from him)except for the fact that a month into our relationship he had to move 3000 miles away. Its also interesting how he embodies what was wrong with kyle and what was wrong with nick all in one cool person. yes he's far away and yes, he's quite the dirty hippie in every sense of the word, dreadlocks and pot and everything. But aside from that we really connected and now i'm quite sad. boo.
And this doesn't help the fact that college is getting to be a teensy bit overwhealming and all i want to do is wait for him to message me or give me a call. yeah, i said it...it is week two and college is a teensy bit overwhealming. but just because i have less time to do my stuff now...stupid work (and all the distractions that working implies...like invites to certain apartments...aargh!)they have me shredding stuff again...picture me in the breakroom, perched in a chair, scissors in hand, snipping off the top left corners of stapled stacks of paper and then shoving them into the shredder for hours and hours at a time. ack!! i hate it!! tedium makes me crazy!!!!and the big rush hasn't even started yet. Della's last day is tomorrow, and then next week will be hell! sigh....and i can never eat! and its a really long hot walk to my car every day! and and! i have a math quiz and and aughhhhhhh *stressful tears of anguish and sorrow*
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| its a very quasi-michael jackson day |
[26 Aug 2005|05:04pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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Knock Down Walls -Tonic |
] |
but only because i was just listening to Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm and they have jacko-esque "whoo's" in the background...that and I'm gonna go see Johnny Depp as Michael Jackson in charile and the chocolate factory tonight (for the first time ever...grr)
But besides the scary michael references, today was the end of my first week of school! hooray! I live! it was a rather long week, however...stupid college. I have now met all of my teachers, written two esays for english, taken a math quiz and completed like five french workbook pages....i feel so accomplished....i just wonder how long this motivation will last...i give it, um, three weeks to fully dissipate. its also sad to note that my bs skills have lessened due to lack of use over the summer.
and now i have a job....or raher I got the one i used to have back...only for fewer hours...this means less study time boo hoo.
im bad at this blogging thing....i can't even fill a page....i am a blogging failure...i apologize to whoever's reading this....im gonna go cry now
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| Annie Likes College |
[24 Aug 2005|09:56am] |
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mood |
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 but anxious |
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music |
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teh sword of damocles - the rocky horror show |
] |
I am now anxiously waiting for that point in time that i can leave my apartment to go to school and not arrive shamelessly early on what is now the third day of school. And yes, i am indeed anxious....because i want to be there....i love it there! My classes all seem really cool, even though the vast majority are not doing me any good in terms of requirements....but fuck, i just spent like $700 on books out of my own pocket so i figure I'm stuck with them now. Even french is going well...its coming back to me really quickly...especially last night when i was working on an especialy long workbook section and it asked me to ecrivez une petite paragraphe....and then out came the longest, most correct speal of french that ever came out of my mouth...full of curses and the word deteste! lol im a little concerned about math tho....my teacher is from India and he has a rather thick accent with just a touch of studder...and he's kinda spastic with his white-board marker....he'll write one word, change his mind and erase it and then write it again! my notes are hideous!! hehe english will be pretty awesome...i can tell, mainly because my teacher is a hot poet grad student named julian...yay! and my science and history classes seem really interesting. hooray! and i had a really nice evening monday...hehe cuz "I went to visit my dad at work" which actually means i went to visit nick at work and he invited me to hang out at his apartment afterwards...so we sat and listened to vinyl and then nick and his roommate played baldur's gate and added witty banter...quite hilarious...annie's happy
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| I got soul |
[20 Aug 2005|02:14pm] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
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music |
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the killers ouf course |
] |
but I'm not a soldier, and i have really bad timing....but the plan finally worked! [the one where I would accidentally on purpose leave my phone at home while i went to run errands so based on murphy's law and the fact that i couldn't answer, nick would call me. and he did.] great. [no, it really is great][: )]
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| I smell like cigarettes and men's deodorant |
[20 Aug 2005|01:31am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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The Book Report - from charlie brown |
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but its not because i had a particularly wild night or anything....i was getting pretty sweaty at bucket's house so i used the deodorant i found in his bathroom....yum...and the cigarettes came from sitting upstairs at safehouse. it was fun nonetheless although i was anticipating perhaps a bit too much a call from nick...no such call occurred....and it really messed with me....i really care too much about what people think of me....cuz after the blatant lack of call i got to thinking stuff along the lines of "he must just think im a stupid kid" etc....bah! whatever! i'll sit at home thanks and listen to musicals and read the weekly thankyouverymuch. sorry...rambling. i gotta go to bed.
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| I'm afraid of who's afraid of virginia woolfe |
[16 Aug 2005|10:48pm] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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music |
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Murder By Death - You are the last dragon |
] |
guilt isn't an emotion i generally enjoy feeling when it comes to a relationship. but holy shit have i been feeling it a whole lot lately. first with kyle: 1. feeling guilty that i disappeared with him for 48 hours without telling anyone, 2. feeling guilty that i was never really up front about my true feelings for him and the situation, 3. feeling guilty that i almost never wanted to talk on the phone with him (mainly because of reasons 1 and 2) and 4. feeling guilty because he makes me feel guilty for hurting him and "deceiving" him. what an asshole, um yeah....but i think i actually got rid of him tonight...instead of sunday's arrangement...which was like two calls daily instead of ten....aargh.
and then there's the dave situation... and i know that for this im almost solely in the wrong, and i feel truly awful, as i know I should. but then again, the phone works both ways...he could've called me to see what was going on. ughm i don't know....its just odd now that its gone so far....i can't imagine that phone call...awkward! ugh...i feel like crying....
stupid kylew for ruining my evening....i hate him for making me feel this way. the bastard!
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| Super Heroes Ingesting Venison |
[14 Aug 2005|05:54pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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Goodbye Love -Rent |
] |
Status Update: Nick is the coolest, save the whole drug thing, and kyle will hopefully stop being a phone nazi and leave me alone. Hooray
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| guitarchitecture |
[13 Aug 2005|02:25am] |
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mood |
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high |
] |
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music |
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Those Who Left by Little Joe Gould |
] |
so my ears finally stopped ringing and yet, I'm not down from the high. Of course, to nobody's surprise, there were no chemicals involved (annies a good girl, recall) but I had such an amizing time tonight. Leo, you missed out! it was awesome. well then again, i was kinda in over my head as I had ventured downtown alone and needed to latch on to Nick so I wouldn't be all alone and scared. I really wonder about that boy.....i can never know what he's thinking. of course in my i'm-totally-attracted-to-him-cuz-he's-so-different-in-a-sexy-sort-of-way mind, I tend to think the best case scenario, that clearly he's in love with me, as he should be. yet tonight i feel like I annoyed him. i dunno, whatever, thats not what's important. The music was breathtaking. Teh first band Bella Lea was so cool. Their singer has the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. Nick described it as haunting, and it really was--a sort of nasal, breathy head voice that was beautiful accompanied by slow, soft piano, or screaming guitar chords (their guitarist was way sexy too, he was an amazing player). The the headliner Engine Down came on and rocked the house. their stuff was beautiful as well. the vocals were that of interesting mix between malice and sadness and the music was melodic and dark at the same time. I LOVED THEM and now I'm pissed that I high-tailed it out of there before I could buy a CD. Now, after about an hour on the phone with kyle,the guy I'm sort-of dating in Wyoming, I sit here listening to another awesome band (nick gave me the cd) that is a cello, a piano, guitar and drums, and a singer with a really interesting voice....they're awesome too....and the only thing I can think about is the fact that nick called to make sure I got home ok, and he promises to call me tomorrow and ask how i enjoyed the show.
How can it be possible that there are two guys out there who are perfect for me? Although each one has his own character flaw that I'll have to weigh in my final decision: Nick's lifestyle is definitely not compatible with mine (the drinking, the smoking, the drugs) whereas kyle is in wyoming (a bit of a problem, eh?) I'm so conflicted....but I'm happy...thats all that matters, right?
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| yay for shoes |
[05 Aug 2005|07:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 quixotic |
] |
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music |
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everything will be all right - the killers |
] |
I love random shopping and spending too much money! I got wonderful shoes (round-toed, big-heeled, rainbow-pattened on black, pink flower-adorned, ankle-strap secured....you should see them) pants, a skirt, a really cool shirt, two purses, and The Killers CD. hooray! but yeah, my debit card took a $55 dollar hit and my wallet is $35 slimmer. (but hell, the purses were $2 and $3 respectively, so it kinda evens out right? lol) I'm all set for tonight....too bad I don;t have an angry rock music concert to go to an a cutie to drool upon. hehe but i hear the show was pretty bad...there was an incident with a drunken band member hitting nick who subsequently knocked over a really big amp. pooor dear. but he really makes working fun...too bad last week is my last. Je suis muy muy sad. (et muy muy tri-lingual! lol )have a good weekend everyone!!!
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